Hi Stacy -- Very poignant perspective about never leaving cancer behind. I'm in my third year of being "cancer-free" after a year of chemo and radiation and two surgeries involving 125 days in the hospital. The experience weighs on me every day, every week, every month. Best regards, and thanks for writing about your cancer perspectives.
Such a great point, Deb. What did you think of "Dying for Sex"? I have mixed feelings but I wondered how it was interpreted by those living with metastatic disease.
As a cancer parent this speaks deeply to me. Acute and chronic long term health conditions weigh heavily on my mind, both from the considerable chemotherapy load, but now to include an additional surgery, and for the first time, radiation therapy.
I have a copy of the side effects list of his current protocol still sitting on my vanity from when he restarted treatment in December. I see it every day and somehow it comforts me seeing it there, like its very presence somehow is warding off those effects just by my constant acknowledgement of them. He’s only 4, he’s been at this for 3 years now and while he’s doing amazing, what will be his story, what ailment will he develop from the statistic that 95% of childhood cancer survivors develop long term health conditions by age 45?
I’ve watched a friend he made, a now 16 year old girl start with Ewings Sarcoma, later developing AML as a result of treatment, within a year! (She’s about to celebrate her 2 year re-birthday after a successful bone marrow transplant). They warn you it could happen, but none of us picture it happening immediately. It’s some foreign far off time that doesn’t exist.
That time is lurking, when will the other shoe drop? What will it be? Relapse, treatment related ill effects, we don’t know, and that unknown is where the fear lives.
I love that you have that list near to you. Sometimes I find it is helpful to face all of the things rather than abstractedly worrying about a nebulous list. Especially the second time around. Watching the certainty of cure shatter around a patient and their family is one of the hardest moments in medicine. Keep going, mama.
Thank you for sharing,Stacy. No, I don’t believe any of us ever leave cancer behind. Even if the best outcomes occur - if someone is cured and never develops further illnesses due to their cancer diagnosis or treatments, cancer leaves deep scars. Some of them may be physical, but most are psychological scars. There’s a loss of innocence that comes with this diagnosis that can never be regained. Every ache, every weird symptom inevitably causes anxiety - is the cancer back?
Whether physically or psychologically - cancer stays with us forever.
Well said, as always, Isabelle. The loss of innocence is what separates people who have heard the word cancer and those who have not. I think that's why superficial (but well-intentioned) gestures of support fall flat. Like, thanks for the socks, but this is CANCER.
Such kind words for a Substack writer-turned-recluse! Thanks for thinking of me Stacy. I will hopefully be returning to Good Marrow soon, because for better or for worse (or for writing ammunition), I also can't seem to leave cancer behind.
Thank you for sharing this story and part of ours within it! I’m very touched. This headline struck me at this major moment as my son finishes chemo. Your writing brings me peace and hope. ❤️
As a surgeon with a newly diagnosed breast cancer, I find it easy to address the current treatment plan, as it is one I prescribe myself quite often. The things that I have found difficult to grapple with however, are the uncertainties of the future. Recurrence, side effects, abnormal imaging and subsequent biopsies. While of course the treatment is *worth it* it brings a whole host of unknown entities along with it. While friends and family worry about the now, my focus shifts to the future, the unknowns. But it is a solid reminder to stay focused on the present, as we only are given one day at a time.
As always, I enjoy your writing and your podcast! Thank you for everything you do. I started listening at the recommendation of a friend well before my diagnosis and have found it very helpful in discussions with my own patients.
Hi Stacy -- Very poignant perspective about never leaving cancer behind. I'm in my third year of being "cancer-free" after a year of chemo and radiation and two surgeries involving 125 days in the hospital. The experience weighs on me every day, every week, every month. Best regards, and thanks for writing about your cancer perspectives.
I see you, Mikel, and know this is true. Thank you for reading.
Leaving cancer behind isn’t an option for those of us living with incurable or chronic cancer unfortunately.
Such a great point, Deb. What did you think of "Dying for Sex"? I have mixed feelings but I wondered how it was interpreted by those living with metastatic disease.
I haven’t read it but I would be interested if you can point me in the right direction
It was a podcast on Wondery that FX turned into a limited series. I think it was based on a memoir.
https://www.vanityfair.com/hollywood/story/dying-for-sex-true-story-molly-kochan?srsltid=AfmBOootXOSJHFCh8M-8vUDRtlh92ynfdEbMr2RNa3YSiFvL0fEmDZws
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/dying-for-sex/id1495392900
Thank you! I will listen tomorrow and let you know my thoughts!
As a cancer parent this speaks deeply to me. Acute and chronic long term health conditions weigh heavily on my mind, both from the considerable chemotherapy load, but now to include an additional surgery, and for the first time, radiation therapy.
I have a copy of the side effects list of his current protocol still sitting on my vanity from when he restarted treatment in December. I see it every day and somehow it comforts me seeing it there, like its very presence somehow is warding off those effects just by my constant acknowledgement of them. He’s only 4, he’s been at this for 3 years now and while he’s doing amazing, what will be his story, what ailment will he develop from the statistic that 95% of childhood cancer survivors develop long term health conditions by age 45?
I’ve watched a friend he made, a now 16 year old girl start with Ewings Sarcoma, later developing AML as a result of treatment, within a year! (She’s about to celebrate her 2 year re-birthday after a successful bone marrow transplant). They warn you it could happen, but none of us picture it happening immediately. It’s some foreign far off time that doesn’t exist.
That time is lurking, when will the other shoe drop? What will it be? Relapse, treatment related ill effects, we don’t know, and that unknown is where the fear lives.
I love that you have that list near to you. Sometimes I find it is helpful to face all of the things rather than abstractedly worrying about a nebulous list. Especially the second time around. Watching the certainty of cure shatter around a patient and their family is one of the hardest moments in medicine. Keep going, mama.
Thank you for sharing,Stacy. No, I don’t believe any of us ever leave cancer behind. Even if the best outcomes occur - if someone is cured and never develops further illnesses due to their cancer diagnosis or treatments, cancer leaves deep scars. Some of them may be physical, but most are psychological scars. There’s a loss of innocence that comes with this diagnosis that can never be regained. Every ache, every weird symptom inevitably causes anxiety - is the cancer back?
Whether physically or psychologically - cancer stays with us forever.
Well said, as always, Isabelle. The loss of innocence is what separates people who have heard the word cancer and those who have not. I think that's why superficial (but well-intentioned) gestures of support fall flat. Like, thanks for the socks, but this is CANCER.
PS-I'm rooting for your upcoming surgery!
Thank you so much!! 🙏🏼💙
Such kind words for a Substack writer-turned-recluse! Thanks for thinking of me Stacy. I will hopefully be returning to Good Marrow soon, because for better or for worse (or for writing ammunition), I also can't seem to leave cancer behind.
Best, and thank you for continuing to write.
Thank you for sharing this story and part of ours within it! I’m very touched. This headline struck me at this major moment as my son finishes chemo. Your writing brings me peace and hope. ❤️
As a surgeon with a newly diagnosed breast cancer, I find it easy to address the current treatment plan, as it is one I prescribe myself quite often. The things that I have found difficult to grapple with however, are the uncertainties of the future. Recurrence, side effects, abnormal imaging and subsequent biopsies. While of course the treatment is *worth it* it brings a whole host of unknown entities along with it. While friends and family worry about the now, my focus shifts to the future, the unknowns. But it is a solid reminder to stay focused on the present, as we only are given one day at a time.
As always, I enjoy your writing and your podcast! Thank you for everything you do. I started listening at the recommendation of a friend well before my diagnosis and have found it very helpful in discussions with my own patients.