A Conversation with My Husband

People are often surprised that I’m not married to a doctor. I’m not sure why.  Maybe they think that my schedule must be crazy, and another physician would better understand? 

Or perhaps that as a result of spending my early twenties jammed around dissection tables with other soon-to-be-doctors, intermarriage would be the likely result?

For some, it is. I’ve seen all types of physician relationships work (and not), so I don’t think there is a “right” answer. Like all partnerships in life and love, it’s more about finding the right person.

Someone once described medicine to me as a jealous lover, and I can attest that my profession can be all consuming. There is always one more paper to read; another specialist to call; an invitation to speak where one more heart might be turned toward cancer survivorship.

The after-work catch-ups, early morning tumor boards, weekend fundraisers, monthly business meetings, and ever-present phone take some getting used to. On my worst days, I arrive home steaming mad, venting to the dogs or horses or anyone who will listen about the injustices of modern healthcare. This can be…a lot.

At night, I worry, fret, mull, consider, grieve, celebrate, and wonder about the people who passed through my exam rooms that day. A particularly difficult case can keep me awake, tossing and turning until I finally get out of bed and log on to my laptop to see if results from a test are ready yet. This is not great for the other person who is trying to sleep.

Despite my best efforts, I don’t leave my job at work and can’t schedule all my administrative tasks in my allotted half day a week. Most days I bring medicine home. In the dozen years we’ve been together, my husband, Todd, has accepted this and never complained. He is my biggest supporter and staunchest fan. With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, I asked him about what it’s like to be married to me.

This is how our conversation went.

Me: Hey. Can I interview you for my newsletter?

Todd: Why me?  I mean…sure. Wait. Are you going to record this?

Me: Ummm. Yes?  I’d like to start including videos and thought you’d be a great first subject.

Todd: No.  I’m not being recorded and posted online. You know I hate that.

Me: OK. So, scrap the video. Can I just ask you questions and type it up later?

Todd: Sounds good.

What’s one thing that you’ve learned about cancer from being married to me?

Cancer does not discriminate.  A lot of people think about old people getting cancer, but being married to you, I realized that young people get cancer; children get cancer; moms get cancer. There’s a lot of cancer out there.

What is the hardest thing about being married to a doctor?

Dealing with a strong personality. It takes a very strong person to go through the process of becoming a doctor and that doesn’t stop once you all make it. You are used to being listened to and so you expect me to do what you tell me to do, exactly how you tell me to do it. I’m also a strong person so I don’t mind, but I think it could be hard for some people.

And that’s the secret to our happy marriage? You doing exactly what I tell you to do?

Sure.

Why do we have so many dogs?

Dog hair is the glue that keeps this family together. I think we should have more dogs, by the way.

Not gonna happen. From your perspective, what do I love the most about medicine?

The patients. You are always trying to do what’s right for your patients. And you really love science, reading about something new or going to a conference.

In terms of my job, what do you see me struggling with?

Wanting to do the right thing and not being able to do the right thing.  Your hands are kind of tied sometimes and that’s hard to watch.

What’s the strangest thing you’ve had to do as a doctor’s spouse?

When you used to have to carry a pager, sometimes you would forget it at home, so you’d have to call the operator when we were out to see if there were any messages. You talked to the operator a lot back then. When you started taking call with your phone, you’d forget your phone, so you’d have the calls routed to my phone. It was weird to answer and then hand the phone to you.

That’s funny. I don’t remember being that forgetful. Haha. Hmm…So, other than helping me keep track of my phone, what’s the secret to our success?

We communicate well. We laugh a lot. We both want the best for each other. So, how many more questions are there?

That’s the end. Anything else you’d like to share?

I love you and I’m proud of you.

Happy Valentine’s Day!